Unlovable?

     I was sitting at home watching a movie with my grandmother tonight and it made me start thinking about some things. The woman in this movie is named Annie, and her life is falling apart around her. Her best friend is moving on with her life without her, she lost her job, she got kicked out of her apartment, and on top of those things, she has let herself become some one's side piece when all she really wants is a man that will love her and stand by her. But, at the same time, when she finds one, she runs for fear of getting hurt or ending up alone again when it's all over. In watching this, I realized how much I relate to this woman, although, I didn't realize it until now. I, for starters, in the last year, have dealt with drug addiction. I struggle with it because most days it's easier to be high than to not be. 

     I ran my husband off so I could be free to so as I pleased and partly because I was falling for the guy who I thought was my best friend. That was one year ago. And, it did make me feel like I was free to do whatever I wanted. And, I did spend the next several months kicking it with my best friend. His name is Jesse. During that time, though, I realized that he mostly just liked that I had money and a ride, and he kept bringing other girls in and out. So, while we were friends and we were sleeping together, it was never going to be more than that. And, even now, when he shows up and starts talking about being single, my heart stops for a second in remembrance, and then I remember why it doesn't work. It is, and always will be, mostly trouble with a little bit of fun. And, I don't want to do that anymore.

     After I realized things weren't going anywhere with him, I decided to try to work things out with my husband, but it didn't take long to remember that we had problems long before Jesse was one of them. And, I decided to try to stay clean. Also, after we realized it really wasn't going to work, I started talking to someone else. A man I had been talking to on and off for years. That man told me he loved me and promised me the world, and then after three months of that, he informed me that he had given his heart to someone else. He to had only been interested in my car and my money.

     After the experiences I had with these two men, and the way my marriage had gone (which is a whole other thing in itself), I decided it would be easier to just have sex with no strings attached, and when I needed someone to just kick it with or to confide in, I had friends for that. I also had friends that would come see me just so I had someone to snuggle up to or sleep next to because my "no strings" meant I couldn't do that with those guys. And, I was okay with life being like this until recently...

     There's a man who I kind of like that I thought liked me and I thought it might end up turning into something more serious, but now I'm not sure. We have alot in common and we're great friends, but he's into a different girl, I think. So, I have once again been relegated to friend status. In trying to deal with that, I was doing the random hook-up thing, again, and ended up hooking up with a guy who really got under my skin. Even though, it was supposed to be no strings, he talked me into kissing him, and letting him hold me. While doing so, he called me out on alot of my hidden stuff, even though he'd only known me a little while, and told me he thought it could go somewhere. I don't know if it was just words, or if it's because I didn't respond quickly enough (due to the fact that I like this other man), but either way, it was a sentiment that had no follow through.

     So, here I am a year after ending my marriage, still single and free to do whatever I want, but the one thing I want most, I can't have. In living my life the way I have over the course of the last year, I have pretty much set myself up to be the girl that guys see as either a great friend or an easy lay. And, I just want one that will stand by me and live life with me, while loving me for who I am. My addiction stems from this, because if I'm high, I don't have to deal with the fact that I may never find a man who can love me and handle who I am. And, that's easier than trying to figure out what about me makes me so damn unlovable...

     If you have anything to add or if you would like to comment, please feel free to do so. You can share similar woes, or offer advice, or whatever. God knows it can't make the situation any worse, and it just might help. Thanks.

Trying to stay out of troruble....

     In my last post, I talked about how my life had gotten off track, and stated that I would discuss my plan for how to stay out of trouble in this post. My homie and I are still living life trying to keep each other on the right track. We do this by spending at least part of the week together and the parts we aren't together, we check in with each other via phone. It helps to be accountable to someone for your actions, especially if that someone understands where you're coming from and doesn't judge you.
     I'm not going to say that we haven't slipped up from time to time, but we are working hard to not let ourselves or each other get sucked back into that lifestyle. Things that we do while together that help us not to is to make goals for our future. Things like we both want to finish school, we want relationships and friendships that aren't tainted by addiction, we want good jobs, and we want to learn to be happy without it. At least, in the things we have gone through in the last few months, we have developed the kind of friendship where we are comfortable leaning on each other for support.
     We, of course, have other friends and family that are supportive of our mutual decisions to stay clean and stay out of trouble. But, not many who understand the hows or the whys. And, even less that understand the bond we built so quickly that lets us be able to talk about our issues with each other the way we do. I hope that we succeed and that the friendship we share lasts as long as I think it will.
     I know this is short, and I will update you on our progress in this journey periodically. If you have any thing you would like to add or any comments you would like to leave, please feel free to do so. And, keep your fingers crossed, or pray, or whatever it is that you do for luck or out of faith that we succeed in beating our addictions and successfully get and keep our lives on track. Thanks. 

...Always on the wrong track, Looking for the right track... (Pink)

     I'm sitting here reflecting on the way my life has gone over the course of the last month and wondering how I ended up here. I had my goals in place. I had a plan. I was working on that plan. Then at the beginning of October, life happened and things started getting off track. The rest of the month didn't get any better. The beginning of this month was hell and I can only hope it gets better by the end. But, at this point, while hopeful, I am also very skeptical...
     Okay, so back to the beginning of October. On the very first day of the month, I went to a party at a home-boy's house and ended up getting so drunk that I not only puked everywhere for about an hour, I also woke up the next day with very little recollection of the previous nights events. The rest of the second and part of the third, I still don't remember a whole lot about. I know I spent the next week sleeping and trying to figure out what had happened.
     By the ninth, I had made a deal with a friend that in return for some cash I owed him, I would go all the way to Griffin and pick up his girlfriend and deliver her and her kid to his house. I don't have a car, so I had to make a different deal with a different guy to get a ride to settle that debt. Lucky for me, the guy who gave me the ride is fairly easy to cut a deal with. So, we went and made that trip and that was all settled up.
     By the time we got back, I decided to just stay the night at that guys house since he had given me the ride. Early the next morning, on the tenth of October, he and I drove to a nearby convenience store and I, being the flirt that I am, started a conversation with the guy behind the counter. That ended with me inviting myself to go home with him for the day. That turned into a week-long thing. And, I also reverted back to some of my worst habits during that week. We mostly had fun, and we ended up being okay friends.
     After he went home, I had a few days to sleep off my high before I had to report for probation. I, of course, showed up there worried about a piss test, which I got lucky with. But, my probation officer informed me that I was going to have to go to court on the twenty-fifth for a probation revocation hearing. Turns out that even though they had originally given me twelve months, they only had the jurisdiction to give me six and my six was almost up. And, I had completed nothing. I came home that night and went back to sleep after deciding I would maybe do some of my community service before court to see if that would help.
     The next night, though, I walked a mile and a half down the road and spent the night with one of my friends. The day after that, which was the nineteenth of October, one of my close friends hit me up and wanted to come hang out. He finally made it by midnight the twentieth. He then stayed and hung out with me to try to keep me out of trouble until the twenty-fourth, which was the night before I went to court. He left that night though, and a different friend showed up with an offering of the thing I hate the most. I obviously didn't make it to community service or any of my other classes or counseling because I had all this other stuff going on. And, I had decided that doing the remainder of my time in jail would be easier than trying to complete the stuff or come up with the money.
     So, I went to court the next day, the twenty-fifth, and got a dirty piss test back. I was a bit worried about that for a minute until I found out that they were only going to list it as another violation in argument for the revocation. So, once in front of the judge, I was sentenced to fifteen days, which was the remainder of my probation. To jail I went, which is where I spent the beginning of this month. I got out on the ninth. So... five days ago and I've already had a few people trying to talk me into getting in trouble.
     Thank goodness my same homeboy who stayed for the few days before I got locked up is helping me remember to stay out of trouble. We're trying to mutually help each other that way. My plan now is to try to get back on track. He's helping me figure out how to do that, and I at the same time am helping him. My hope is that in helping each other, we help ourselves. More details about my plans for getting back on track will be in the blog entry following this one.
     If you have any comments or anything to add to this, please feel free to comment. Also, if you have any similar experiences, feel free to share those, as well. And, thanks for taking the time to read my blog, even if this entry was all about how bad I've tried to fuck up my life in the last month.
    

I don't get it....

     My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have a protection order in place. It makes life safer on all fronts, but it specifically states which things are allowed and which things aren't. For instance, he is allowed to call his children once a day, but he isn't allowed to speak to me. He's also supposed to pay child support and come pick them up for visitation at his aunt's house every other weekend. What a joke!
     First of all, as far as calling goes, he sometimes calls every day, but sometimes it's once every three or four days. On the days he does call, it's every few hours all day long. And, for some reason, he completely missed the part about not talking to me. He constantly asks to talk to me or tries to talk to me. And, then he asks me a million questions. Not about what his kids are doing, but all about my life, which is none of his business. When he does remember it's them he's supposed to be talking to, he asks for them, but the only one who will still talk to him is Ruthie. The boys are tired of the crap, already.
     Child support is a joke. I have even contacted Child Support Enforcement, and he still hasn't paid the first penny. He keeps calling telling me he just doesn't have it, but that he's trying. He even claims he went to places like McDonald's and The Waffle House and that they took one look at him and said no. I find that hard to believe... But, at the same time, he also calls to tell me that he's drunk or that he's high, and how much money he spent to get that way. He also tells me about the girls he's spending money on. And, I don't get it. If he has the money for those things, he has the money for child support. But, still he doesn't pay it, even though he's going to go to jail if not.
      And, then there's visitation. He never comes to get them. He did the first weekend he was supposed to, and hasn't been back since. The kids started out being disappointed when they didn't get to see him, but now they don't seem to care. And, I figure that's why they don't talk to him when he calls. Does he really think he can never see them and only talk to them a couple of times a week and that eventually they won't care anymore? I mean really?
      All of this seems crazy to me, and I just don't get it. If anyone has any insight into how this works or how to deal with it, please feel free to comment. Thanks. 

~Homework~

     Homework is something that is a major issue in our house constantly. I have it, Joseph has it, and even Caleb has it sometimes. I don't remember hating it when I was their age, but as I got older, it got harder, of course. And, took longer....
     Now that I'm grown and in college, I have lots and lots of homework-especially since I go to school online. But, some of my classes I finish really fast. Those are the ones that I really like and am really good at. The other ones seem like they take forever because they are either subjects I hate or they're hard. That's the "homework" that really sucks.
     Joseph is in second grade and I don't remember having homework at that age.But, he has it every night. He has to do math, spelling, and reading. Every night. Seems like a lot for a seven year old. And, he hates homework more than any kid I have ever seen. So, it always ends up being an argument just to get him to do it. Which, makes it take even longer.
     And, it sucks. He pitches a fit about doing it. Then I get irritated because he's acting like that, which makes him frustrated. And, again, that makes it take longer. I wish teacher's didn't give so much homework, but I guess they have to....
     Does anyone know any tips for getting kids to do homework without a fight? Or how to make it something that they want to do rather than something they have to do? If so, please feel free to comment. Thanks. 

~Updates~

     This one is just going to be short because I don't have a lot of time. I just wanted to update you on the status of my previously mentioned goals. So, here goes:
~I am not keeping up very well with my 90 in 90. I keep getting side-tracked bu other things. Some good. Some not so good. But, that is a different topic. I need to try to work harder to make time for this or I'll never catch up...
~As far as finding a steady source of income, that I have been working on. I have filled out at least 100 applications in the last couple of weeks. Finally, I think it's starting to pay off. I've had several call backs and I have several interviews lined up. So, we'll see how that goes...
~Obviously getting my own ride or my own place will be difficult to do without the steady income, so while I have started the process a few places, nothing definite as of yet.
~I have my divorce papers filed and am waiting to go to court. In the meantime, I have a court order in place, as stated in a previous entry, that gives me full custody of my children while their father gets visitation. And, with this document, I am legally separated. YEA!!!
~I have also finished another of my classes for this term, and only have two left. So, that is coming along quite nicely... Which of course will lead to my long-term career goal of being a teacher.
     That's it. Sorry it was so short. Feel free to comment, if you want. And, thanks for reading. :)

~Promiscuity~

     The actual dictionary definition of being promiscuous is: Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners. This definitely fits me. I don't see anything wrong with it when you're single. Granted, some people are remain this way while they are supposed to be in a committed relationship, and then wonder why they ended up single again... But, even though I see no problem with it, some people do.
     I know that promiscuity leads to a high number of sexual partners, and that there is the risk of catching an STD or getting pregnant. My advice to people is to remember what your mama should have taught you, and use a condom. I can honestly say though, that when you are in the middle of wrapping up with someone, usually you aren't thinking about any of these things. You're usually thinking it feels good and you aren't wanting to stop long enough to worry about being careful. One thing that also leads to so many people "forgetting" is the mindset that it won't happen to you.
     But, what if it does? I personally only remember the condom thing about half the time... Usually, I'm too caught up in what I'm doing to care. Plus, I'm allergic. My tubes are tied, so I generally don't worry about pregnancy, although, I have gotten pregnant since my tubal, so it's not a definite thing... But, I, luckily, haven't ever gotten an STD. I get tested every three months-just to be safe. And, even with the condom issues, I always remember with people I've just met. It's the long-time friends or people I've known awhile that I tend to forget with. But, life happens. 
     I have a friend, who would kill me if I told her name, who used to be just as out there as me, but decided to clean up her act. She settled down, and has been with the same man for the last few years. Recently, though, they had some issues, and she spent one weekend randomly hooking up with people, and now she thinks she has an STD. Because she got caught up, she now has to worry about it and explain it to her fiance. 
     Does that mean I think she shouldn't have went out and randomly slept with someone? No. Do I think she should have been more careful? Probably, but I have no room to say anything. Do I think that being promiscuous makes me an awful person? No. I think that sex was created to bring pleasure, so why not enjoy it? 
     And, as far as the ever-increasing numbers go, who cares? If you've been with five people or five thousand people, it's your business. If people look at you and judge you based on that alone, they didn't really want to know you anyway. I, personally, firmly believe that all it does is give you experience. And, they say practice makes perfect, so doesn't it stand to reason that the more "experience" you've had, the better it's going to be?
     One definite good thing about having multiple partners is that you learn new things about yourself. You learn what kinds of things you like and what you don't. You also learn what you're willing to do for your partner and what you're not. And, it usually gives you more confidence in yourself because you know if the same people keep coming back, they must have liked it.
     The one thing that so many people get hung up on is thinking you need to be in a relationship to have sex or that sex and love go hand-in-hand. I don't think so. I think that relationships are troublesome at times. And, if you just got out of one, you aren't looking for a new one. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't get laid. And, I'm sorry, but what the hell does love have to do with sex? I don't have to have sex with you just because I love you. Or I would have slept with all my homies. And, no, I actually haven't. Some, but not all. And, I don't have to love you just to have sex with you. If so, that would take the fun out of spontaneous hook-ups. 
     Anyways, so I don't think there is anything wrong with promiscuity, but if it's not for you, okay. Don't judge me because it's how I am. To each his own. I don't judge others based on their numbers or whether they choose to be in a relationship or not. Or by whether they choose to remain faithful in those relationships or not. It's none of my business who you choose to give it up to or how often. Nor is it any of anyone else's business what my choices are. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not. What do you think? Feel free to leave any thoughts or comments in the comments section. Thanks. :)

Negative criticism? Positive feedback? Should other people's opinions determine who you are?

     Has anybody ever noticed that you get way more feedback about the negative things you do than about the positive things? Why is this? Why is it easier to say, "You messed up by doing this, that, and the other," than to simply say, "Good job!"?  I don't understand it. Maybe people think that if they criticize everything you do, it'll change you. Maybe it does change people. But, I'm not made like that....
     I have a very rebellious personality. If someone says something I do is bad, I usually take it a step further to see if they think that's worse. Admittedly, this sometimes gets me in trouble, but I feel like I somehow proved a point. If you want to think I'm bad, then I'll show you how bad I can be. So... if you think criticizing me or bitching at me will change me, it won't. On the other hand, when people give positive feedback, I react the same way. If you think I'm good now, let me show you how good it can get. But, being the person I am, I rarely get this.
     I most of the time am so busy just doing what I want to do right then, that I catch the criticism. I believe that life is short and you should enjoy it as much as you can while you can. A friend said something to me once that made alot of sense. Where he got it from I don't know. But he said, "I would hate to tiptoe quietly through life only to end up safely at death." I believe that you only get one shot, so why not live it up every chance you get?
     I also believe that you should always be yourself and do what feels right for you, regardless of what other people think. And, no I don't mean if you feel like killing someone, or beating your spouse, or something similar, go for it. I do mean, though, that if you want to have friends that mean something to you, even if other people disapprove, then have those friends. If you want to pick up and move to the other side of the world, and can afford it, go for it. If you want to date someone of a different race or the same sex, then that's your business. Whether you are a devout Christian, absolutely atheist, or somewhere in the middle, that's for you to decide and deal with if the time ever comes.
     What gives other people the right to decide these things for me or for you? How does anyone other than yourself know what feels right to you? Or what makes sense for you in your life at the moment? The person who tells you that you are going to hell if you don't follow certain rules of their religion, aren't they breaking one themselves? Is the person who tells you that you shouldn't move somewhere new, going to give you a place to live and pay your bills to keep you where they want you? Would you be as happy if they did?
     I think people should always do what they feel is best for them. And, I believe that people should give their fellow humans positive encouragement instead of negative criticism more often. If someone wants to date someone of a different race or the same sex, why not say, "Wow. I hope that you're happy in that decision and that things work out for you," instead of, "Why the hell would you want to do that? Don't you know that you'll be judged? I don't think it's appropriate."? Isn't the first one nicer? Or if someone is moving somewhere and they're excited, congratulate them.
     Even if you don't understand some one's motivation for things, you don't have to. They do. And, you should be positive instead of negative as much as possible.It'll make you feel better, and the people around you will, too. People say that children react better to positive reinforcement, but they seem to forget that adults do, as well. Think about it. Which do you prefer? What do you think about my opinion? Do you agree or disagree? Feel free to comment. Thanks. :)

Every Other Weekend

     So, as of this weekend, my children are officially every-other-weekenders. I wasn't sure how I would handle this change. But, we went to court and had an order put in place. This order stated that I had to let them go, whether I wanted to or not. So, after as much procrastination as possible, I packed their stuff and into the car they went. And, were off to their dad's for the weekend.

     Now, the oldest, Joseph, has been to spend the night lots of places. He's been to his Ma-maws, his Papa's, his Nana's, his Aunt's, and even to a few friend's houses. And, he's big enough to say whether he liked it or not. And, if he wanted to go back or not. So, him I wasn't as worried about. 

     Caleb, my middle one, has spent the night away from home a few times, but only at his Ma-maw's... Plus he was sick. And, he isn't big enough to call if he needed to, so I was more worried about him and how he would do.

     Lastly, Ruthie, the baby, has never spent the night away from home anywhere at all. I was going to let her go to her Ma-maw's with her brothers once, but it didn't work out. Needless to say, being the baby, she definitely couldn't have made a phone call. So, I was most worried about her. 

     So, feeling this way about it, I dropped them off on Friday with a great deal of anxiety. It seemed so weird to be at home without them. The house was way too quiet. And, then came bedtime.....My Ruthie usually sleeps with me, but she wasn't here, so sleep didn't come easily. I decided since I missed them so much, I would sleep in the boys' room. So, I did-with Ruthie's pillow, Caleb's blanket, & Joseph's Pooh Bear he's had since birth. That helped a little.

     Then Saturday, I was able to get some school done and catch up on some television. And, I talked to my babies a couple of times throughout the day, and they were so excited and having so much fun. That made me feel better, which helped me to be able to relax and enjoy the day. And, then bedtime came, again. And, I didn't sleep at all because I didn't have my Ruthie... 

     Until six in the morning... That's when I finally fell asleep. And, slept until one-thirty in the afternoon. At least, that meant it was closer to time to go get them when I woke up. I was excited because I knew I was going to get to see them in less than six hours, and then Billy called. We discussed the weather and decided around two-thirty that I would pick them up at four. That got me super-excited. I was down to less than two hours til time to see them, so I got dressed and got some stuff I was supposed to take with me, and we went to get them.

     So, I, of course, was really glad to see them, and excited to have them home. I got to hear all about their trip and was happy they so much fun. They go back again on the sixteenth, which is only ten days from now. And, I already know I'm going to miss them like crazy all over again. I wonder, though, if I will be as worried. 

     I grew up as an every-other-weekender and I don't remember having a problem with it. I don't think it really effected me. I hope it doesn't effect them. Will it? Is it normal to feel this way when all of this starts? Especially since I never thought my kids would end up here? Will it ever seem normal? Should it seem normal? How does this work? Share any opinions in the comments section, please. Thanks. :)

~Goals~

     I just wanted to post a short one to share my goals with you. Some of these are short-term, but some are long-term. I think goals are very important and I believe that sharing them with others helps you to accomplish them. They say this helps because you then have people rooting for you. Supposedly it makes them feel as tho they are sharing in your accomplishments and setbacks with you. So..... I guess we'll see.
So my goals that I hope to accomplish between now and December include the following:
~ Do 90 blog posts in 90 days
~ Find a steady source of income
~ Get my own ride
~ Get my own place
~ Get divorced
~ Finish my school term with 100% completion.
     Some of the steps for these things has already been put in motion. For example, I've started looking for a job, I've found out what is required from me to get into transitional housing, my divorce papers are done, I'm working on school, and, obviously, I'm blogging.These of course lead to my long-term goals, which include getting my degree and a full time job in that field. So, look for more to come in the following weeks and months to see how it goes. :)

~In-laws~

     I just realized it's after mid-night here and I haven't blogged yet today. So, here goes. :) Today, I want to talk about in-laws. Some people love theirs, some people hate them. Some are great and some are awful. As, I've stated before, I've been married twice. Both times, I was cursed with horrible in-laws.
     My first husband's name was Justin. His family consisted of his grandmother and grandfather, his mother, his uncle, and his two sisters. Their names were Susie, KT, Myra, Tracey, Lindsay, & Mariah, respectively. Susie was very sweet and liked me from the beginning, and I her. My opinion though was that she gave into other people way too often. KT on the other hand, I liked okay, but he didn't like me. He was very old-school. He thought a woman's place was in the home and that women should be meek. This is why he and Susie got along so well, and also why he disliked me.
     Then there was Myra. This woman didn't like me from day one. Literally. She threatened to beat my ass on more than one occasion. I wasn't very fond of her, either. She thought I wasn't good enough for her son and I thought she should mind her own business. This beef spilled over into my life even after I divorced her son because she questioned the paternity of my son. His uncle Tracey, on the other hand, I really liked. And, he liked me. But, he was the family outcast and tried to like everybody, so I guess he liked me because of that.
     Then there were his sisters. I liked both of them-mostly. Lindsay and I got along, usually. But, she wanted him to date her best friend, which led to us arguing quite a bit. Since we've been divorced, though, she and I have gotten along just fine. The few times we've seen each other, that is. As for Mariah, she was only two, so I have nothing negative to say about her. And, luckily, I only had these in-laws for about a year and a half.
     My second husband was Billy. My in-laws there were his mom and step-dad, dad and step-mom, two brothers, and several others who I've never met. Their names are Sally, Danny, Steve, Marie, Deano and Scotty, respectively. These in-laws lasted longer than the first set as Billy and I, while separated, are technically still married. And, we will be at six years come December. I have had issues with all of them at some point, although some less than others.
     We'll start with Sally. She, again, didn't like me from jump street. But, rather than thinking I wasn't good enough for her son, she was afraid I would try to keep him away from her.. This fear led her to being extremely rude to me almost constantly. She tried to talk him into leaving me on more than one occasion, and told me repeatedly that he had made a mistake in marrying me. She has also questioned the paternity of my children. Needless to say, I think we will both be glad when the divorce is final and we are rid of each other for good. Danny and I, on the other hand, have always gotten along, and I really liked him. We've had a few issues since Billy and I split up, but I expect him to take his son's side, so I don't blame him.
     Next are Steve and Marie. I have absolutely nothing good to say about these people. I don't know who likes who less. Them me or me them. I think the hatred is mutual. They have taken every opportunity to try to convince Billy that my children don't matter. They have also tried to get him to divorce me from the beginning, going so far as to have a friend of Marie's seduce him and threaten his life for choosing to stay with me. Their latest antics include calling CPS on me and my children out of spite because they have never been allowed to see them, and never will be.
     Lastly, there's Deano and Scotty. Deano and I have mostly gotten along throughout my marriage to Billy. He lived with us for about a year, even. And, even with the problems Billy and I have had, Deano has always stayed neutral. I have to say he is BY FAR the best in-law I have ever had. If they all seemed like family as much as Deano, all in-laws would be super. Scotty and I, have the complete opposite relationship. We are too much alike and butt heads really bad. I think he's funny and admire his dedication, but won't really miss him because of his smart mouth. I think that feeling is mutual, though.
    Anyways, so these are the in-laws I have had, and as you can see, I didn't like most of them. And, they didn't like me. Almost makes me scared at the thought that I may have to do it again at some point. Maybe I'll get better ones the next time. I certainly think I'm due. And, some people I know like their in-laws better than their own families. Where are those? Do you have problems with your in-laws? Is it just me? Am I judging this situation too harshly? What are your thoughts? Feel free to leave a comment in the comment section. Thanks. :)

My, how they grow....

     I was watching my kids play today and thought, 'Wow, they're getting so big,' I remember back when I was waiting on Joseph to get here and I was super-nervous about what being a mom would be like. That was eight years ago. My life has changed so much in the last eight years.... And, how did I not realize until today that it had been that long? I mean I know he's seven and a half, but somehow it just didn't click until today.
     At seven and a half, Joseph is in the second grade. He has his own ipod, his own cell phone, and his own laptop already. He knows how to text and he can surf the web like a pro. Joseph likes girls already and has for awhile, but he's big enough that he's already worrying about what to get them for their birthdays. In school, they're big enough that they're doing Science and Social Studies and School Projects. What happened to my baby that played in the pots and pans? The one who thought that 'The Backyardigans' was the best thing on tv? Now it's 'ICarly' and 'Wizards of Waverly Place' and WWE wrestling. I remember trying to teach him to peddle a bike, and now he rides all around the block with no problem. How did this happen? And, how did I miss it?
     Moving on, when Joseph was three, Caleb was born. He's now four and in pre-school. He's already riding a bike with training wheels, and learning so much. He told me tonight which shapes have four sides, which one has three, and which ones have none. He can count to ten, spell his name, and knows all of his colors. He also speaks very articulately. He gets up in the mornings, picks out his clothes, and gets himself dressed. This is my baby boy who not long ago was learning to walk without falling and learning to talk. Being his mother's child, the talking was mastered quickly. And , the kid who would try to flush anything he could find down the toilet? Now, he's trying to tell his sister how to go. Again, how did he get so big so fast?
     Lastly, but most certainly not least, when Caleb was seventeen months old, here came Ms. Ruthie. She's only two and a half, but she too is growing up so fast. She is already getting herself dressed, and learning her numbers and her colors. And, she speaks very well for her age. She is very independent, and it makes me sad when I realize she's the baby and already so big. She's gone from having to have headbands or min-clips to make her look girlie to wearing ponytail holders like mine with sunglasses on her head. She says she's a diva-lette. Whoop. Whoop.
     I realize that we get so busy in our everyday lives that we forget to slow down and just enjoy our children at the ages that they are, but I think I am more guilty of this than most. I lots of times get so caught up in whatever I'm doing and what I want, that I forget that they do grow so fast and won't stay small til I remember to pay attention again. So, I decided today, I am going to take out at least one hour a day to just enjoy my children for who they are. Do y'all get caught up like that? Where you're so busy with life that you look and you're shocked by how big your kids are? Is it just me? Any suggestions on ways to remember to slow down every once in a while? Please feel free to comment. Thanks. :)

Different Types of Funeral Behavior

     We all have to deal with going to a funeral or funeral home at some point. This is something I hate. Not because they are sad, although some are, but because you never know what to expect. I have been to the funeral home for several viewings and also to several funerals, and it always amazes me the things that you see there. And, no I don't mean the dead bodies-that part is a given. Below are some of the different things I have experienced at either a funeral home viewing or a funeral itself...

~The saddest funeral I have ever been to was for a still-born child. She was my aunt's baby. And, of course everyone was crying and sad. Most people were trying their best to offer condolences or words of comfort. The sweetest and saddest, but most touching part of this funeral was when the baby's 2 year old sister released balloons stating that she was sending them to her sister in Heaven.

~The craziest funeral I have ever been to was for my former step-grandfather. He had lived quite a life, and many people stood up at the funeral to share their memories of him. These included memories of him using and dealing an assortment of drugs throughout his life, a restaurant he had for awhile, his pawn shop, his adult novelties store, his multiple wives, his sense of humor, and his boiled peanuts. Everyone was laughing at these shared memories, but it seemed odd for a funeral....

~Another funeral I went to that wasn't very traditional was for my cousin's husband. He had died suddenly and left behind not only his wife, but four children. This was very sad and lots of people were crying, which was to be expected. But, at the actual funeral people were sharing their memories of this man. He was very funny and he loved his family dearly. So some memories were sad and some were hilarious. This made it very interesting because people weren't sure whether they should laugh or cry.

~My granny's funeral was the kind of funeral I've been to most often. People are sad because they will miss the person who dies, but that person was a Christian, so the belief is that they're in a better place. Also, she was elderly. Age 87, and she had suffered for quite awhile beforehand. Most of the funerals I have been to one or the other, if not both, is the case.

~Two of the more recent funerals I have been to, both for women in their sixties, were sad. One of these ladies was my distant cousin. The other was my soon-to-be ex-husband's aunt. Both women were Christians and had died very suddenly. People were falling apart and crying over the slightest little thing. It was sad, but it seemed overly dramatic to me.

~And, most recently, I went to a viewing today for my deceased grandfathers brother-in-law. I know that man's grand-daughter slightly, but don't know any of the rest of them at all. This was very awkward anyway..... and for those of you who don't know, I am overweight. I am okay with this, however. Anyway, as soon as I walk in, a woman who is technically my aunt walks up and starts taking to me. Now, I've only seen this woman maybe five times in the last twenty years. But, the first thing she said to me was, "Wow, you've gotten fat!" And, that's just the beginning. Needless to say, these people were horribly rude, and I didn't stay.

    I have been to more than just the examples I have given, but this is a good overview of the different types of behavior I have encountered. I think that it's hard to go to these things anyway, especially if it's someone you don't know well. But, if you are someone who is accustomed to doing it one way and you go somewhere where they do it differently, it's even harder. What kind of funerals have you been to? Any experiences like the one I had today? Any stories of anything touching or funny or crazy like in the examples I gave? Feel free to comment. Thanks. :)

Does your past define your future?

     So this is my second one today because I missed yesterday, but I wanted to talk about this because there has been a great deal of conversation and controversy surrounding it over the last few days. I feel that way too many people judge others based on their past actions, whether it be their distant past or their recent past. I think that while someone's past can sometimes be a good indicator of someone's future, but I don't think it's fair to say so&so screwed up ten years ago, so they're bad news. Or, so&so is pretending to try to change their life, but they've tried before and failed, so they're bound to fail again.
     I have a bit of a messy past. But, I plan to have a better future. I've been married twice, and both times, I was the one who decided to end my marriage. The first time I was only 16 when I got married, but it's because I had a six-week old baby with the man. That marriage was very messy. I don't think either of us actually loved the other one by the time we got to the point of being married. So he cheated, and then I cheated, and then he cheated some more. And, we fought like crazy-hits & kicks, & chokes, and things thrown. And, then it was done. I left and filed for divorce.
     I then spent the next several months being very promiscuous. I also stole a pretty large sum of money. In addition, I was arrested for criminal trespass. All of these things, seemed like fun while I was doing them, and I learned quite a bit about myself. But after awhile, I decided I needed something more, and I started dating my second husband. This, too, started out messy because I didn't start the relationship correctly. I was in love with someone else, but that person was technically unavailable. So, I settled for the man I married, instead.
     I, in deciding to get married, stopped talking to said guy. This lasted for quite awhile. I did everything I was supposed to. I quit talking to all of my friends, guys and girls alike. I cooked on occasion-someone else cooks most often. I tried to keep things less messy. But, I totally and completely threw myself into doing everything I thought I needed to do to be what he wanted me to be. But, it didn't work. Giving up yourself for someone else never works. So same thing all over again. He cheated, I cheated, he cheated, I cheated. We fought like crazy. And, we separated several times. Finally, on our five year anniversary, I decided I was done. We separated, and are still in the process of filing for divorce.
     So, now six years after I went wild the first time, I'm single again. And, who is the first person I text? That's right. The guy I fell for before ever getting married. He was still not completely available, but his marriage looked like mine. I also went back to hanging out with several of my old friends. This, unfortunately, led to many poor decisions. I experimented with drug use for awhile, I became very promiscuous all over again, and I ended up catching another charge. But, again, I thought it was fun while it was happening, and learned even more about myself.
     The biggest thing I have learned in all of this is that, first and foremost, I have to know who I am and what I want out of life before I can ever seriously date someone again. I also figured out that, although I will always love him, the guy who I loved for so long, is so skitso that I now know, it has absolutely no potential. But, we will probably remain friends because we have been through a great deal of stuff together. I have decided I am through worrying about what other people need all the time. I have, several times, done without things I needed or wanted to give to other people, who are supposed to be my friends. And, I found out the hard way that many of those friends were only friends until I didn't have money or a ride. Only a few stayed true regardless. And, I am tired of having to defend myself to people over choosing to stay friends with said people.
     I am also making lots of changes in my life. I am getting rid of the people who only take and never give. Whether they be family, so-called friends, or people I've met randomly. If you don't give back in some way that is beneficial to me the way that I give to you, I'm done. I am no longer dealing with people who are judgmental as hell. No one has the right to judge me or my life or anyone in it. And, in doing this, I am getting on my feet, getting me a vehicle, and getting a place for me and my kids by December. I work everyday towards completing this goal. This is partly because of the decisions I've already mentioned making and partly because it's the only way my kids are going to learn about life without being fed stereotypes.
     Most people who know me will see this or hear this and say, 'there's no way. She'll mess up again. It's only a matter of time. Her history is a good indication.' These are the type of people I am done with. I had a really good friend say to me several times in the last few days that he's making changes. I was a little incredulous at first because he, like me, has a very messy past. And, then I realized if I can change, so can he. And, if he can make it, so can I. He told me today, you can change who you are and what you want without by changing what your goals are. He's right. And, no matter what decisions I've made ever, he's never judged me. Many times he's been there for me when no one else was. Oddly, though, he's one I have to fight with so many over being friends with. But, screw them. They don't know the whole story.
     Anyways, so I personally believe that anyone can change if they truly want to, and sometimes it just takes the right motivation and someone to believe in you. The first step is looking at your past and admitting what mistakes you've made. Then you have to figure out what led you to making them, and how to not end up making them again. But, knowing your strengths, weaknesses, and trigger points is a great way of keeping yourself from back-tracking. Another thing is having the will to fight for what you want, and if you do mess up, admit it, fix it, and keep working towards what you want.
     Am I wrong to think that all people can change? Am I crazy for thinking I won't end up right back where I started? Will I make it? Does anyone else have anything to add? Or an opinion on the subject? Does your past define your future? I say no. Do you say yes? Please feel free to share in the comments section. Thanks. :)

~KARMA~

     We hear about this all the time in many forms. And, in different religions. People say they're worried about bad Karma, or that they're working to improve their karma. Sometimes, people say, "You reap what you sow," or, "You get what you put in," or, even "What goes around comes around." But, whichever way you want to say it, the fact remains, that we, as humans, believe that there are consequences for our behavior, good or bad. Below are some examples of karma at work that I've seen recently.
~People who act smugly and think they call all the shots concerning things that have nothing to do with them finding out that their opinions changed nothing. Or that even if they huffed and puffed and strutted around like they were important, they found out that they didn't matter at all.
~People who sleep around and are overly promiscuous ending up pregnant or getting someone pregnant. Or people that cheat on their significant others ending up with diseases. Sometimes both, even though they think that it can never happen to them.
~People who are greedy, whether they admit it or not, ending up with nothing because other people see it and don't like it. Said greedy people take and take and at like they never get anything. Then since they are unappreciative of the things that they get, they end up struggling to make ends meet.
~Hypocritical Christians, who claim it, but don't live it left struggling. 'Don't judge lest ye be judged' doesn't seem to be a statement that matters to them. They judge people for everything they say or do, and where they come from. And, in the end, they end up no better off than the ones that they're talking about.
And on the flip:
~People who freely give to others while struggling and doing without stuff they suddenly having everything start going right for them at every turn. Or having everything they ever wanted fall in their laps.
~Christian people who live right, suddenly getting the things that they pray for, whether it be financial success, a new house, a pregnancy they thought would never happen, or something else.
~People who are don't judge people based on where they come from or how they look or how much money they make, find love and happiness and learn things about themselves that they wouldn't have if they had stuck their noses in the air and kept walking.
     I think that karma is real and that it's very powerful. I've had my share of both good and bad, but it's because I, mostly, try to keep it balanced. I try not to be hypocritical, and I try to claim my faults. And, I most definitely don't judge people based on their looks, upbringing, or financial status. I do, however, judge whether or not they are people I want in my life based on their personality. So, while those are good traits, I guess, I also have bad ones. I AM NOT humble or modest in the least. I always expect things to go my way or fall in to place for me, but they usually do....
     The problem with some of these things is that they are a double edged sword. There are some people, such as myself, who will be selfish and take and take from some people, while being willing to give their left arm for others. And some people view things like Christianity, greed, and promiscuity differently. My idea of what defines it and yours may be totally different.
     What are these things to you? Do you think karma is real? Which side of the coin fits you? Do you mostly have good karma? Or bad karma? Or is yours, like mine, mostly balanced? To answer these questions or add any thoughts, please comment. Thanks. :)

Are your kids perfect?

     Have you ever met one of those parent's who think that their child can do no wrong? And, usually others see that child as unruly? I have. And, I just don't get it. I think you can love your kids without having to pretend they are perfect when they are not. My kids mean the world to me, but I know that they are a little unruly at times. It makes me wonder-do these parents really think their child is without faults or do they think if they pretend, others will believe it?

     Usually these kids are only children and they are doted on mercilessly by their parents leading them to think that they are entitled to whatever they want. The problem with this is that they don't learn to do things like share. They are selfish and pitch fits when they don't get their way. Some even pick fights with other kids because they know they don't get in trouble for it, anyway.

     Unfortunately, the parents of these children don't realize that in denying the fact that their children aren't perfect, they are psychologically damaging them. They are also setting them up for failure in the real world because life often doesn't go your way. And, you can't throw a temper tantrum when it doesn't. You have to have coping skills, and most of these children grow up without them.

     So what do you do when you come across parents who think their kids are perfect, when in fact no one is? Do you call their attention to their child's faults? Do you not let your children play with them because you know they're just a temper tantrum waiting to happen? What if you do say something to try to bring it to the parent's attention? Will it help if they truly didn't see it? Or will they resent you for noticing? 

     I think that people need to pay more attention to their kids and their personalities. Notice what kinds of things they do when playing with others. Are they selfish or do they start fights? Are you letting them get by with more than they should? Do you look at other people's children and think they're the problem? Maybe they partially are. But, if your child deals with the same issues with different kids, maybe your child is the issue. Maybe it's time to pull your head out of the sand and realize that while children are a gift from God, they are not perfect, and it's okay to admit it. I swear, when I meet parents like these, it sometimes makes me want to smack some sense into them. But, that's a different topic for a different time. If you have dealt with this, or think I'm wrong, or want to share an experience, feel free to leave a comment. Thanks. :)

Busy, Busy, Busy.....

     Well, today has been a busy day in the life of me. The morning started at 6:30 AM with my daughter rolling out of the bed and hitting the floor. Not a good sign. But, no time to stress over it, because it was time to get the boys up and get them ready for school. And, get me ready for a job training seminar. Now, in a normal house with normal kids, getting ready in the morning is probably a pretty easy thing to do. But, not in mine. My oldest one wants to sit and wait until the last possible second to get ready so that he feels like he is racing the clock. My other son just moves extremely slowly, and freaks out if he can't find everything he needs right at his fingertips. So, mornings become just another argument. On top of all of that, I couldn't find my shoes. But, we finally made it out the door right at the last possible second. But, I left with shoes in hand, and my make-up left undone.
     Luckily, my grandmother was driving us this morning, so we put my oldest on the bus, and we were off on our adventure for the day. I managed to get my shoes on while we drove to the pre-school. I took Caleb in and when I came back out, this very inconsiderate man had me blocked in. This happens almost every day, so I decided I had had enough. I went back into the school and said something to the director about it, so she sent home a letter requesting parents be more considerate of other people in the parking area.
     So, after we finally got out of the parking lot, we had to go to the grocery store. I, luckily, managed to get my make-up done while on the way there. So, a quick run through the grocery store to grab a few things that we needed and then I had to go to my job training seminar. I get there, and it's 8:30 already, so no time to stop to breathe into class I go. The class was very helpful, but it was very fast paced. I learned lots of new skills, put together a resume, took four assessments, and applied for six jobs online while I was there.
     My grandmother, who had my daughter all this time, had to pick my middle child back up from school and came from there to get me by 2:00. We had just enough time to get home to get my oldest one off the bus. So then, we had homework, and dinner, and a trip to play in the neighbor's sprinkler. And, I think my kids ears must not work because I yelled for them several times while looking right at them, but they, of course, didn't come. So, I had to go after them, and of course, I got soaked. So, we came in and got dry clothes on, and they sat and played where I can see them while I posted this.
     And, now, it's time to go, again. We are going to curriculum night at Joseph's school where the teacher will tell us about what she expects from us for the year. Just in case we aren't busy enough.... From there we are going to out first night of Scouts for the year, where they, in turn, will tell us what all they expect from us. We should make it home by around 9:00, so that we can get showers and go to bed so we can start all over again tomorrow with our busy lives.
     I don't know how we are supposed to fit it all in. PTA, schoolwork, jobs, church, Scouts, and still have time left to just relax. How do you do it? Why do so many people expect so much activity from everyone else? What happened to when life was supposedly more simple? I don't know, but if anyone has anything to add, please post below. Thanks.

The Joys of Motherhood

     I am a separated mother of three, and the last few days have been very trying. My kids are seven, four, & two. The older two are boys and the youngest is a girl. Their names are Joseph, Caleb, and Ruthie.
     So on Friday, my two boys got in a fight with two of the neighborhood boys because my oldest one wanted my younger one to win a foot race. That makes the second fight they've been in this week. I am never sure the right way to handle a situation like this. Both times, I brought all the children involved inside and asked them individually what had happened step by step. The first time, I told the mother of the child who instigated it. And, grounded my kids from playing with him for a couple of days. I thought that would help, but obviously not because a few days later, the second fight happened. So this time, after talking to all of them again, I told them they could go back and play-if they could play nice. But, who knows how long that will last?
     Then, yesterday, my oldest went, with the same two neighborhood boys he was in the fight with the day before, to yet another neighbor's house while they weren't home. For some reason, these boys decided it was a good idea to go into that man's fence and play soccer. Did I mention this man has three dogs in said fence, including a rottweiler? So, of course the dogs got after the boys, and the father of one of them had to save them, getting himself bit in the process. So, more grounding. And, he had to apologize to the neighbors, both the one whose yard he went in and the one who got bit.
     The bad thing about them being grounded is it puts them in the house all day with nothing to do but get in trouble. So, being grounded for last night and all of today resulted in things like chocolate syrup all over my kitchen floor, shaving cream in my daughter's face and all over the bedroom floor, fingernail polish in my daughter's hair and on her brother's bedroom floor, a broken bed frame, lots of spilled drinks, a few bite marks, which sadly weren't left just by my two-year old, melted ice cream, and a flooded bathroom. So, what do I do as a punishment for these things? Reward them by sending them out to play so they can't tear anything else up, or ground them even longer, which will inevitably lead to more destruction?
     This is just an example of the things that happen on a regular basis with my three kids. Are other people's kids this wild? How do you adequately discipline them without making yourself crazy? Will they ever outgrow it? I can definitely say though that at the end of the day, I love them enough that, even with all the messes, I wouldn't trade them for anything. All it takes is a hug, or a smile, or an "I love you, Mama," to make it all go away. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. Thanks. :)