Re-learning to Live a Normal Life...

So, as most of you know, my life had had lots of ups and downs over the last year and a half. I've struggled with both relationships and addiction. But, the last four months have been better.... I've been in a new relationship with a man named Reyn. He may not be everything that other people want him to be, but he's everything to me. He's brought a lot of good back into my life. I had lost my kids, but I got them back. He helped me to get clean, and he's helped me stay that way. And, because of him, I have goals, again. 
I just wanted to write tonight to give that little update and to talk about some of the things I'm currently struggling with... For starters, I'm having to learn to cope in this world without using the devil's drug, even though there are both triggers and temptations everywhere. It's not easy, but I know it's a road that will only lead me back to the same hell. Another thing I'm having to learn how to do is parent. Those of you who have kids already know how hard that can be. But, imagine trying to do it after being absent from their lives for almost two years. They have no guarantee I won't just up and leave again, so they think they shouldn't have to listen to me. We're all in therapy, though, so maybe it will help.
On top of those things, I'm still working on getting my Education degree and I'm looking for a job. Plus, we're trying to find a place to move to. Sometimes it's extremely overwhelming. It's when I feel like that, that I start having cravings and stuff. They tell me this is normal. But, for how long? It's been four months, already.... But, I'm doing the best I can to stay busy and find other ways to cope....
Well, it was short, but that's all for now. If anybody has any tips on how to make any of this stuff easier to deal with, or suggestions for healthy coping, please feel free to share in the comments section. Thanks. :)

~The Little Things~

So many times you hear that the grand gestures in life are what matters most. That's what shows someone really cares about you. Or, if not grand gestures, then the expensive things, leading many to believe that money buys happiness. The more you or someone else spends, or the bigger the even, the more it means, and the happier you'll be. I say there wrong. I have learned that it's the smaller things in life that really matter to me, so I thought I would share some of those things with you.

For starters, nothing puts a smile on my face faster than hearing one of my babies say they love me, or giving me a hug or kiss. Well, actually, usually, just my kids in general. We dance and sing and have a good time listening to music, which is cheap entertainment, and it outs all of us in a better mood. Sometimes, after they go to school for the day, I find videos they've taken with my phone the day before, which cracks me up. And, nothing makes me prouder of them than seeing them accomplish something they've been working on. Joseph made As on his last two major school projects, learned how to swim and roller skate, and is learning how to play the electric guitar. Caleb has learned that you have to behave in school. And, Ruthie has learned how to peddle her big girl bike. They are always proud of themselves, and I of them. 

My favorite thing to do is to sit outside. I usually sit on an outdoor swing, first my grandma's and now mine. A friend came and built me one of my own over the weekend, and was amused because I was excited like a child on Christmas morning. Something me and most of my friends like to do is what we call "visiting Penny-wise " Basically, it means we walk two houses down and sit on the sewer on the side of the road. It's peaceful there, though, and somehow, it's one of my favorite things to do. Not to mention, sitting on the porches, laying on the trampoline, and pacing in the yard. None of these things cost anything, but they all put me in a better mood.

I get excited, too, though about accomplishing things for myself, like when I get a passing grade on a paper at school. Or, when I complete a class. The other day I was super excited that I got my ninety days key chain. I"m happy when I find a new book to read and when I complete it. Starting a project that needs doing, such as re-doing Ruthie's room helps me to feel motivated to do more. Finishing a project makes me feel accomplished. And, oddly, when we watch game shows and I know the answers, I get really excited. It makes me feel like I'm retaining more than I thought. 

And, lastly, but certainly not least, my folks and some of the other members of my family always make things seem a little brighter. My best friend phone tags me from jail and it automatically puts a smile on my face. I get a letter from him and I smile and laugh the entire time I'm reading it. I watch TV with my grandma or movies with my kids and feel content. Other friends, Facebook me, call me, or text me, and I'm happy to get to talk to them. And, re-getting to know my neighbors even seems like something to enjoy, these days.

See? None of this involves tons of money or grand gestures, but all makes me just as happy or happier than if it did. I've learned over the last two years that both people and possessions come and go with quickness, so you have to enjoy everything for what it is. And, you have to enjoy it every moment that you can, while you can. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it. Maybe other people need the money spent and the huge declarations, and all that goes with it, but not me. If you have anything to add, please leave a comment. And  thanks for reading.

The Road to Recovery

I've been clean for ninety days or three months, and I never realized how hard some parts of this were going to be... Especially, since some parts are so easy. For those of you who don't know anything about it, or are just curious, or whatever, I thought I would tell you a little bit about what I've had to go through so far. So, here goes:

~I have had to deal with the fact that I hurt most, if not all, of the people who care about me the most. I lied to them, I stole from them, I used them, and much more. Now, I am trying to earn back their trust. That is harder than I thought it would be, and I have to keep telling myself  that I didn't lose their trust over night. And, I won't get it back that fast, either.

~I made my kids feel like they were an option in my life, rather than a priority. This caused them to not trust me or my judgment, and also caused them to have separation anxiety and behavioral issues. I am now working hard to show them that they are my priority, and it's helping a little bit. Some of their issues are being dealt with, and they trust me a little more everyday.

~Because of my behavior, DFCS was called on me to report that I spent most of my time away from the home due to my methamphetamine addiction. I  now have monthly meetings with them, complete with goals they expect me to meet each time, so that I can maintain custody of my children. Some of the things they expect I was already working on, but some things I'm not sure I'll accomplish. That's scary to me.

~I had to cut off over half the people I've hung out with over the course of the last two years. Some of these people I had been friends with for 10, 15, and 20 years. That was one of the hardest parts, so far. There are days that I miss those people like crazy. It is then that I have to remind myself that if said people were truly my friends, they would be supportive of my decision to walk away from the drugs. and, that, because they aren't, it is in the best interest of both myself and my children to continue to not have anything to do with them.

~One thing that's way harder than I expected is dealing with the cravings. There's times that I can smell it and taste it. The veins I hit most often start burning and itching, And, every time I close my eyes, I can see what it looks like as the needle fills up with blood, which is the way you know you're in the vein, and the high is coming. When it gets like this it's so hard to not want to go find it, but I pray instead. It always helps.

~One thing that makes all this easier is that I have had many friends, even ones I haven't spoken to throughout my addiction, that have been very supportive. They are people who I can talk to about it, and who encourage me to stay clean. Some give me advice, some quote things to me that stick with me through the hard tomes, and some pray for me. And, none of them try to tempt me. I am actually amazed by how many of them there are.

~Another thing that was easy and that makes this easier was starting to rebuild my relationship with God. I was raised to believe that when you are truly repentant and ready to turn your life around, you can turn to God, and he's always there. This helps immensely. So, I pray. Alot. And, read scriptures, and try to go to church more often.

~And, lastly, one thing that helps, and I'm a bit surprised, is the recovery groups I go to. The people there are so nice, and they're very open and non-judgmental. We talk about our ups and downs, our triggers, and solutions for how to cope with those triggers. I got my ninety day key chain last night, and I was so excited. Being there with other people going through the same thing makes it easier. It helps me remember I'm not alone.

So, that's a fairly short summary of the hard and the easy. It's going to be a long road, and I've barely started. Thanks for reading, and if anyone has anything to offer, please feel free to leave a comment. Thanks.

I been gone... Been gone for way too long...

All, I can say is Wow! It's been what seems like forever since I sat down and did this last... In fact it has been a little over eight months. OMG! I never thought so much could happen in what is actually a short period of time, but boy did it... I'll catch you up on the things that have happened since the last post, and then I'm going to start back blogging regularly. Okay? So here goes:

January: That's when I wrote last. I was laying on a bed in an apartment in Forest Park, thinking that the life I was living was fun.... After that, I was down there three days, home three days, then there three days, again until mid-March. The entire time, I was battling the thing I hated the most, but DJ, the boy down there, pulled me into it worse than I had ever been before then.

Mid-March: I stopped going down there because I got pissed off about something, and I had realized it was much easier for me to get high, here. And, while the sex down there was good, it wasn't bad here.... Things, for me, just got crazier after that.

April: The 1st day of this moth was my homeboy Matt's birthday, so I spent it and the next one in the trailerhood with him, Freddy, Alex, & Charlie... That was tons of mostly free fun. After his birthday, I was back in the trailerhood to see Freddy a few more times throughout the next few weeks, and then by mid April, I was back to being friends with Jesse. And, I let him pull me even further into the game by letting him use a needle on me. BIG mistake! But, I didn't realize, then. He hung out pretty steady the last two weeks of that month, with different others popping in and out.

May: MB, DJ, Lester, and Joe all moved in here, and Jesse popped in and out, all while I was mostly trying to stay clean. With all their drama and everybody wanting me to lie to someone else on their behalf, plus trying to keep up with my own lies, was so overwhelming, by mid-June, I was using again. By then, though, Joe and Lester had been locked up, MB had gone to a different state, and DJ was trying to talk me into coming to Forest Park all over again. Jesse, at the same time was trying to convince me to get a trailer with him... So, with these two boys, who for some reason, had such pull on me and what I thought I wanted, what did I do? Went to Forest Park for a week and promised DJ I was going to move down there with him like he asked as soon as I got the money to come. Then I told Jesse that he knew he was more important and that I, of course, would move into his trailer with him. And, then left them each thinking that I was going to keep my promise to him because he was who mattered most.... All the way up until the beginning of July. During that time, I also got to see Matt, again. That was fun, but then things got a little messy...

July: I chose to move into Jesse's trailer and buy us a truck, but was still talking to DJ telling him that he could come whenever and that I would come see him and stuff. DJ kept getting so irritated with me, especially when he found out that I was letting Jesse call the shots because Jesse and DJ hated each other. By mid-July, though, Jesse was seeing Lacey, so I went to pick up DJ for the night, even though I was supposed to be spending the next day with Freddy... I never made it to Freddy because DJ and I picked up Crissy, and then he ran my truck into a tree. That sucked! And, landed me back at my Grandma's, where I am still. 

During that same month, though, I realized alot of things, such as:
a) I was done staying strung out like that. The addiction was taking over my life and I had to walk away.
b) I didn't really owe Jesse, or DJ, or any one else for that matter, anything. The most important people in my life weren't my "folks". It was my kids.
c) My grandma's house was the best place to be if I was going to stay clean.
d) I had more respect for both Freddy and Skitso and their opinions than I had previously realized. Love me some Waleska Boys!
e) Everything I had hated in life was exactly what I had become and I was fixing to lose it all.
f) My marriage had no hope of being saved because we couldn't stand to even be in the same room with each other.
g) My kids went to meet their teachers at the end of this month and they were going to need me around and focused if they were going to make it through the year.

August: Things were a little hectic, but way better than July. I missed Jesse, but talked to him quite a bit. I worked with my kids on school stuff, got Billy's visitation set up the best way I could, and found out a boy named Dillon was pretty good company. And, I got to see Freddy, who always leaves a lasting impression with his remarks. Saw DJ and MB again, too, which led to some controversy, considering... But, oh-well.

September: I mostly stayed away from the people who would tempt me into using, built a pretty good friendship with my ex, Justin, got to know Dillon a little better, started a support group for recovering addicts, set up a time to start out-patient rehab, hung out with Crissy, realized Jesse was not truly my friend, got caught up on school, spent lots of time with my kids, and the month ended with Freddy building me a new swing and making a statement on my walls, both of which I love. 

So, now it's October, and I'll be blogging to keep you updated. This month, I'm trying to finish my school term, find a job, start the rehab program, and still have time for friends, without letting people influence me. And, I'm hoping that by this time next month, my best friend, Lester, is out and back around. So, thanks for reading, and see you next time. Deuces. 

Real Friends or Fake Ones?

     I don't know about you, but I meet people everywhere I go. Maybe it's because I'm so talkative and outgoing. Maybe it's because I believe strangers are only that until you introduce yourself. Or maybe it's inevitable that, while out and about, you're going to meet people. And, obviously, you aren't going to hit it off with every person you meet. But, by the same token, there are others who you will, seemingly, get along with right away. It's these people who have the potential to become friends and you then have the delimna of figuring out if they're real or fake.
     So, how do you know which is which? Are there indicators from the beginning that, if you know what you're looking for, can help you determine if a person is real or fake? Which characteristics do you look for in a person that would make you consider them real? Or, tell you, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that they're fake? My opinion may differ from yours, but I know what attributes I look for because I know which qualities, in both a person and a friend, are important to me.
     I believe that the most important thing about being a real friend to someone is being honest with them. This lays the foundation for trust, which you must develop at some point if it's going to be a true friendship that can stand the test of time. This doesn't mean that you have to openly discuss every aspect of who you are or what you've been through. It simply means being upfront instead of shady in the way you both present yourself to others and in the way you handle situations you are put in. This is because a person is only as good as their word, so if their word means nothing, they're worthless.
     Another important aspect of being a real friend to someone is loyalty. This, to me, means not only do you come around when everything is going well and good times are to be had, but also that you stay down when times get rough. Or if a friend is in trouble, and you have the ability to help them out, you should. But, if you are going to be that kind of friend, have the sense to make sure that you're helping someone who is that type of friend in return.
     Lastly, but not any less important is respect. Without it, the other two aren't genuine. How are you honest with someone if you don't have enough respect for both yourself and them to just keep it real? And, without it, loyalty can quickly turn to betrayal, for the same reason. Having enough respect for someone to be able to keep it real with them is a quality that most people don't possess.
     If you don't bring these qualities into a new aquaintenceship, then you will never be a real friend. Of course, though, then you would fit into the other category. Which would make you a fake friend. Fake friends are the ones that will lie to your face, use you for all they can, then stab you in the back. And, no one needs friends like that.
     So, now that I've shared my opinion on what characteristics should be brought to the table by both real friends and fake friends, I present you with a point to ponder. Which kind of friend are you? Would the people who call you a friend agree? And, what about the people you call friends? What type of friends are they? And, do you think that these are qualities that can be judged in a person fairly soon after meeting them? I would say, yes, if you read people well. But, be careful because there's more fake ones than real ones and sometimes the fake ones can bullshit you well enough to make you think they're real. Feel free to comment with any thoughts below. Thanks.

Unlovable?

     I was sitting at home watching a movie with my grandmother tonight and it made me start thinking about some things. The woman in this movie is named Annie, and her life is falling apart around her. Her best friend is moving on with her life without her, she lost her job, she got kicked out of her apartment, and on top of those things, she has let herself become some one's side piece when all she really wants is a man that will love her and stand by her. But, at the same time, when she finds one, she runs for fear of getting hurt or ending up alone again when it's all over. In watching this, I realized how much I relate to this woman, although, I didn't realize it until now. I, for starters, in the last year, have dealt with drug addiction. I struggle with it because most days it's easier to be high than to not be. 

     I ran my husband off so I could be free to so as I pleased and partly because I was falling for the guy who I thought was my best friend. That was one year ago. And, it did make me feel like I was free to do whatever I wanted. And, I did spend the next several months kicking it with my best friend. His name is Jesse. During that time, though, I realized that he mostly just liked that I had money and a ride, and he kept bringing other girls in and out. So, while we were friends and we were sleeping together, it was never going to be more than that. And, even now, when he shows up and starts talking about being single, my heart stops for a second in remembrance, and then I remember why it doesn't work. It is, and always will be, mostly trouble with a little bit of fun. And, I don't want to do that anymore.

     After I realized things weren't going anywhere with him, I decided to try to work things out with my husband, but it didn't take long to remember that we had problems long before Jesse was one of them. And, I decided to try to stay clean. Also, after we realized it really wasn't going to work, I started talking to someone else. A man I had been talking to on and off for years. That man told me he loved me and promised me the world, and then after three months of that, he informed me that he had given his heart to someone else. He to had only been interested in my car and my money.

     After the experiences I had with these two men, and the way my marriage had gone (which is a whole other thing in itself), I decided it would be easier to just have sex with no strings attached, and when I needed someone to just kick it with or to confide in, I had friends for that. I also had friends that would come see me just so I had someone to snuggle up to or sleep next to because my "no strings" meant I couldn't do that with those guys. And, I was okay with life being like this until recently...

     There's a man who I kind of like that I thought liked me and I thought it might end up turning into something more serious, but now I'm not sure. We have alot in common and we're great friends, but he's into a different girl, I think. So, I have once again been relegated to friend status. In trying to deal with that, I was doing the random hook-up thing, again, and ended up hooking up with a guy who really got under my skin. Even though, it was supposed to be no strings, he talked me into kissing him, and letting him hold me. While doing so, he called me out on alot of my hidden stuff, even though he'd only known me a little while, and told me he thought it could go somewhere. I don't know if it was just words, or if it's because I didn't respond quickly enough (due to the fact that I like this other man), but either way, it was a sentiment that had no follow through.

     So, here I am a year after ending my marriage, still single and free to do whatever I want, but the one thing I want most, I can't have. In living my life the way I have over the course of the last year, I have pretty much set myself up to be the girl that guys see as either a great friend or an easy lay. And, I just want one that will stand by me and live life with me, while loving me for who I am. My addiction stems from this, because if I'm high, I don't have to deal with the fact that I may never find a man who can love me and handle who I am. And, that's easier than trying to figure out what about me makes me so damn unlovable...

     If you have anything to add or if you would like to comment, please feel free to do so. You can share similar woes, or offer advice, or whatever. God knows it can't make the situation any worse, and it just might help. Thanks.

Trying to stay out of troruble....

     In my last post, I talked about how my life had gotten off track, and stated that I would discuss my plan for how to stay out of trouble in this post. My homie and I are still living life trying to keep each other on the right track. We do this by spending at least part of the week together and the parts we aren't together, we check in with each other via phone. It helps to be accountable to someone for your actions, especially if that someone understands where you're coming from and doesn't judge you.
     I'm not going to say that we haven't slipped up from time to time, but we are working hard to not let ourselves or each other get sucked back into that lifestyle. Things that we do while together that help us not to is to make goals for our future. Things like we both want to finish school, we want relationships and friendships that aren't tainted by addiction, we want good jobs, and we want to learn to be happy without it. At least, in the things we have gone through in the last few months, we have developed the kind of friendship where we are comfortable leaning on each other for support.
     We, of course, have other friends and family that are supportive of our mutual decisions to stay clean and stay out of trouble. But, not many who understand the hows or the whys. And, even less that understand the bond we built so quickly that lets us be able to talk about our issues with each other the way we do. I hope that we succeed and that the friendship we share lasts as long as I think it will.
     I know this is short, and I will update you on our progress in this journey periodically. If you have any thing you would like to add or any comments you would like to leave, please feel free to do so. And, keep your fingers crossed, or pray, or whatever it is that you do for luck or out of faith that we succeed in beating our addictions and successfully get and keep our lives on track. Thanks.