Unlovable?

     I was sitting at home watching a movie with my grandmother tonight and it made me start thinking about some things. The woman in this movie is named Annie, and her life is falling apart around her. Her best friend is moving on with her life without her, she lost her job, she got kicked out of her apartment, and on top of those things, she has let herself become some one's side piece when all she really wants is a man that will love her and stand by her. But, at the same time, when she finds one, she runs for fear of getting hurt or ending up alone again when it's all over. In watching this, I realized how much I relate to this woman, although, I didn't realize it until now. I, for starters, in the last year, have dealt with drug addiction. I struggle with it because most days it's easier to be high than to not be. 

     I ran my husband off so I could be free to so as I pleased and partly because I was falling for the guy who I thought was my best friend. That was one year ago. And, it did make me feel like I was free to do whatever I wanted. And, I did spend the next several months kicking it with my best friend. His name is Jesse. During that time, though, I realized that he mostly just liked that I had money and a ride, and he kept bringing other girls in and out. So, while we were friends and we were sleeping together, it was never going to be more than that. And, even now, when he shows up and starts talking about being single, my heart stops for a second in remembrance, and then I remember why it doesn't work. It is, and always will be, mostly trouble with a little bit of fun. And, I don't want to do that anymore.

     After I realized things weren't going anywhere with him, I decided to try to work things out with my husband, but it didn't take long to remember that we had problems long before Jesse was one of them. And, I decided to try to stay clean. Also, after we realized it really wasn't going to work, I started talking to someone else. A man I had been talking to on and off for years. That man told me he loved me and promised me the world, and then after three months of that, he informed me that he had given his heart to someone else. He to had only been interested in my car and my money.

     After the experiences I had with these two men, and the way my marriage had gone (which is a whole other thing in itself), I decided it would be easier to just have sex with no strings attached, and when I needed someone to just kick it with or to confide in, I had friends for that. I also had friends that would come see me just so I had someone to snuggle up to or sleep next to because my "no strings" meant I couldn't do that with those guys. And, I was okay with life being like this until recently...

     There's a man who I kind of like that I thought liked me and I thought it might end up turning into something more serious, but now I'm not sure. We have alot in common and we're great friends, but he's into a different girl, I think. So, I have once again been relegated to friend status. In trying to deal with that, I was doing the random hook-up thing, again, and ended up hooking up with a guy who really got under my skin. Even though, it was supposed to be no strings, he talked me into kissing him, and letting him hold me. While doing so, he called me out on alot of my hidden stuff, even though he'd only known me a little while, and told me he thought it could go somewhere. I don't know if it was just words, or if it's because I didn't respond quickly enough (due to the fact that I like this other man), but either way, it was a sentiment that had no follow through.

     So, here I am a year after ending my marriage, still single and free to do whatever I want, but the one thing I want most, I can't have. In living my life the way I have over the course of the last year, I have pretty much set myself up to be the girl that guys see as either a great friend or an easy lay. And, I just want one that will stand by me and live life with me, while loving me for who I am. My addiction stems from this, because if I'm high, I don't have to deal with the fact that I may never find a man who can love me and handle who I am. And, that's easier than trying to figure out what about me makes me so damn unlovable...

     If you have anything to add or if you would like to comment, please feel free to do so. You can share similar woes, or offer advice, or whatever. God knows it can't make the situation any worse, and it just might help. Thanks.