The Road to Recovery

I've been clean for ninety days or three months, and I never realized how hard some parts of this were going to be... Especially, since some parts are so easy. For those of you who don't know anything about it, or are just curious, or whatever, I thought I would tell you a little bit about what I've had to go through so far. So, here goes:

~I have had to deal with the fact that I hurt most, if not all, of the people who care about me the most. I lied to them, I stole from them, I used them, and much more. Now, I am trying to earn back their trust. That is harder than I thought it would be, and I have to keep telling myself  that I didn't lose their trust over night. And, I won't get it back that fast, either.

~I made my kids feel like they were an option in my life, rather than a priority. This caused them to not trust me or my judgment, and also caused them to have separation anxiety and behavioral issues. I am now working hard to show them that they are my priority, and it's helping a little bit. Some of their issues are being dealt with, and they trust me a little more everyday.

~Because of my behavior, DFCS was called on me to report that I spent most of my time away from the home due to my methamphetamine addiction. I  now have monthly meetings with them, complete with goals they expect me to meet each time, so that I can maintain custody of my children. Some of the things they expect I was already working on, but some things I'm not sure I'll accomplish. That's scary to me.

~I had to cut off over half the people I've hung out with over the course of the last two years. Some of these people I had been friends with for 10, 15, and 20 years. That was one of the hardest parts, so far. There are days that I miss those people like crazy. It is then that I have to remind myself that if said people were truly my friends, they would be supportive of my decision to walk away from the drugs. and, that, because they aren't, it is in the best interest of both myself and my children to continue to not have anything to do with them.

~One thing that's way harder than I expected is dealing with the cravings. There's times that I can smell it and taste it. The veins I hit most often start burning and itching, And, every time I close my eyes, I can see what it looks like as the needle fills up with blood, which is the way you know you're in the vein, and the high is coming. When it gets like this it's so hard to not want to go find it, but I pray instead. It always helps.

~One thing that makes all this easier is that I have had many friends, even ones I haven't spoken to throughout my addiction, that have been very supportive. They are people who I can talk to about it, and who encourage me to stay clean. Some give me advice, some quote things to me that stick with me through the hard tomes, and some pray for me. And, none of them try to tempt me. I am actually amazed by how many of them there are.

~Another thing that was easy and that makes this easier was starting to rebuild my relationship with God. I was raised to believe that when you are truly repentant and ready to turn your life around, you can turn to God, and he's always there. This helps immensely. So, I pray. Alot. And, read scriptures, and try to go to church more often.

~And, lastly, one thing that helps, and I'm a bit surprised, is the recovery groups I go to. The people there are so nice, and they're very open and non-judgmental. We talk about our ups and downs, our triggers, and solutions for how to cope with those triggers. I got my ninety day key chain last night, and I was so excited. Being there with other people going through the same thing makes it easier. It helps me remember I'm not alone.

So, that's a fairly short summary of the hard and the easy. It's going to be a long road, and I've barely started. Thanks for reading, and if anyone has anything to offer, please feel free to leave a comment. Thanks.